Status for Twitter

  • The longer the title the less important the job.
  • Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.
  • You can do anything, but not everything
  • When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
  • I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
  • God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
  • That moment when even Caps Lock can’t express your anger.
  • When you drop your phone, your heart hits the ground before your phone does.
  • I’m pretty sure my prayers go directly to God’s spam folder.
  • I like children. Properly cooked.
  • I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
  • The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.
  • Need Love? … No… I would prefer vodka!
  • Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
  • By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • I don’t make mistakes, I date them.
  • I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
  • You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  • I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
  • I look at people sometimes and think… Really? That’s the sperm that won.
  • Be what you want to be, not what other wants to see.
  • I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
  • Good girls are bad girls, who never get caught.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
  • Do what is “Right”, not what is “Easy”.
  • Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.
  • They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
  • I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
  • If you’re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual.
  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”.

Best Quotes For Twitter

  • Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
  • When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
  • If you hurt my best friend, I will make your death look like an accident.
  • Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  • All girls are my sisters except you.
  • Hey, I found your Nose; it was in my business again.
  • If you can’t change a Girl… change the Girl.
  • I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
  • At least mosquitoes are attracted to me.
  • If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
  • My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?
  • If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
  • I am not lazy, I just rest before I tired.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • Think twice before you speak, you’d be able to say something more Insulting.
  • Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.
  • Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • If there is no chocolate in heaven…”I AM NOT GOING”.
  • She is so fake that she should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
  • The longer the title the less important the job.
  • God made every person different, He just got tired by the time he got to china.
  • If “Plan A” didn’t work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters.
  • Sometimes the only one, who can appreciate you, is you.
  • You don’t realize how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
  • I’m not perfect, I am original.
  • Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens.
  • God must love stupid people- he made so many!
  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
  • Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
  • Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
  • Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
  • When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived in that situation.
  • That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
  • My girlfriend is like my iPad… I don’t have an iPad.
  • I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
  • The greatest pleasure in Life is doing what people say you can’t do.
  • All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
  • How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
  • I didn’t change, I just woke up.
  • All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
  • I Was Born Cool, Global Warming Made Me Hot.
  • If girls could read minds… Every second a man would get slapped.
  • You don’t have to like me after all, I’m not a Facebook status.
  • Do it today, It might be illegal tomorrow.
  • I love my six packs so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.
  • The only thing I gained so far in 2014 is weight.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
  • Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
  • You are so awesome that, my middle finger salutes you.
  • If women could read minds, every second man will get slapped.
  • We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
  • Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
  • Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
  • Silence is better than lies.
  • When a woman says WHAT? It’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
  • Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
  • Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting?
  • I am not failed, my success is just postponed.
  • I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
  • Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  • Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shut up’.
  • Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.
  • That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
  • I don’t always have time to study… but when I do, I don’t.
  • Some people just need a High-Five, on the face.
  • I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he needs more proof.
  • Before you judge me, Make sure that you’re perfect.
  • Never have more children than you have car windows.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • Try to say the letter “M” without your lips touching.
  • I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
  • I never make the same mistake twice. Three or four times maybe. But never twice.
  • Weird is a side effect of awesome.
  • I never make stupid mistakes, only very-very clever ones.
  • I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
  • When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?

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